An Open Letter to the Leaders and Congregation of the First Parish in Portland

[On Sunday March 22nd after church, an informational meeting was held for the entire congregation in order to answer questions about my departure and the events which lead up to my decision not to return to the pulpit here next September. I did not attend that meeting, for reasons I explain below, but I did write this letter to the leadership team, to be read aloud in whole or in part as my contribution to the discussion]

Dear Ones:

This is how I would wish to handle these explanations, based on my own understanding and experience of the process.

1) Nobody had to "ask" me to resign. Strictly speaking, I had already resigned as of July, 2008 when I filed my long term disability application and it was accepted by our insurer. Therefore, at least in that regard, this was not really a decision that ANYONE made; it was simply an acknowledgment of the reality of my situation, which was anticipated by the standard language of our UUMA-vetted contract. Thus for the past 9 months I have essentially been working (1/4 time) with both the encouragement and at the indulgence of the Governing Board, and it would have required some sort of pro-active decision (even if something so simple as a line item in the 2009-10 budget) for me have continued beyond June 30th anyway.

2) Ordinarily, in this or any similar situation, my "default" setting would have been to continue working: not because this is what I wanted (I have always seen my own wishes as secondary to what is best for the congregation anyway), but as the natural expression of my deep gratitude and devotion to the people of this church, who have done so much for me in the past twelve months. I would have gladly "died in this ministry" if that is really what would have made me most of service here, but I honestly don't think that's what anyone expected of me, so naturally I had already starting thinking myself about transition plans, as were many of the other central leaders of this congregation. The process by which we shared these thoughts with one another, and later communicated them to other members of the congregation, was hardly perfect; no process is, especially when it has to deal with such emotionally charged issues and so many diverse perspectives. But all of us shared in addition a common commitment to the on-going health and vitality of First Parish, as well as a great deal of affection and respect for one another personally. And that should not be overlooked, no matter how awkward the process itself may have appeared.

3) When all is said and done, I think the decision that we made is the best one that could have been made under the circumstances. For my own part, there were two critical factors which convinced me that moving on at this time was the right thing to do. The first was the realization of just how much stress and emotional pressure my illness was putting on the other leaders of the congregation. As I said in my original letter, First Parish deserves a full time minister who is capable of taking care of the people here, not one who needs such extensive caregiving himself. And the second factor was the realization that I was no longer capable of giving 100% of myself to this ministry, simply because it was no longer there to give. Mentally, emotionally, intellectually and even spiritually, the powerful narcotics that I take to control my pain and the chemotherapy agents which are used to combat the course of my disease have profoundly diminished my ability to be the kind of minister I have always aspired to be. It's more than just a matter of a little fatigue. If I am no long capable of performing my job at the level of excellence I have set for myself, I honestly feel that I really have no business hanging on beyond my time either.

4) Finally, I think people should know that my own ultimate response to all of this has been one of great relief. And it's not that I won't miss you all (because I will, very much), or that I don't also mourn the loss of "what might have been." But I also have other aspirations for what is left of my life that being released from the demanding obligations even of part-time parish ministry will greatly assist me in achieving. I'm looking forward a great deal to living closer to my family on the West Coast, and (I'm only a little embarrassed to say) I will certainly not miss Maine winters one little bit. I sincerely hope that in the next few months people will take advantage of the many opportunities for us to say goodbye that the Committee on Ministry is working with me to create, which we hope will include small group settings and social engagements both at the church and in members homes, as well as ample opportunities for one-on-one breakfast, lunch or coffee meet-ups, and at least one large all-church event toward the end of May or in early June.

I recognize that this may all sound a little cold, analytical, and emotionally aloof. But this is exactly how I feel, as well as (at least from my perspective) a completely truthful narrative of events as they took place and I experienced them. I would be happy to allow the relevant portions of this to be printed out and read at the informational meeting, and will even be willing to read them myself, although I think I might find the kind of back-and-forth Q & A this meeting is certain to create a little too emotionally demanding, given the way that my painkillers bring my emotions so close to the surface (as so many of you have witnessed lately). Feel free to respond with comments if you like.

Tim